Before:
New Orleans was bombarded daily with ships looking to invade the Mississippi River. Sailors came from across the globe to access the port as well as enjoy the entertainment. Yet the city had a dark secret. Vampires scoured the docks looking for sailors' blood. One night a crew brought forth a shipment of garlic. As the first few soldiers jumped onto land, they quickly vanished. The vampires were out hunting. However, the captain was cunning. Having knowledge of vampire's, he quickly gathered the garlic and wooden stakes. Slowly, the crew battled the vampires until there were no more.
After:
New Orleans was bombarded daily with sailors looking to access the Mississippi River.
Yet the city had a dark secret.
Vampires scoured the docks looking for blood. Only in the day could sailors make their shipments while the vampires slept.
One night a crew brought forth a shipment of garlic and wooden stakes. As the first few sailers jumped onto land, the vampires pounced. However, the captain was cunning. With his knowledge of vampire's, he quickly gathered the garlic and wooden stakes, the kryptonite of the vampires. Slowly but surely, the crew battled the vampires until there were no more.
Note: At first it was tough to find space to create more detail and revise, but a after reviewing the original story, I felt there was some details in the beginning that were unnecessary. This allowed me to write even more about the sailors as well as create paragraphs for dramatic attention.
Oh, this worked out GREAT, Neal: for a dramatic story like yours, having the paragraphs makes a huge difference for the drama and suspense. Wonderful! I hope you will keep on trying different microfiction experiments throughout the semester, and now you know that paragraphing is one of the tools you can use to intensify the story. I know it seems kind of strange to think about the power of paragraphing in such a tiny story, but it really makes a big difference for me as a reader (at least it does for me). Plus paragraphing is a powerful tool to use for stories of any length, so you can think about that with all your stories too. I also like this picture even better than the first one: the lighting here is so eerie! WELL DONE!!!
ReplyDeleteNeal,
ReplyDeleteI liked your story. Although, you made small revisions it was still a great story and I definitely am going to re-read the original one. I like how you talked about the sailors and them wanting to access the Mississippi River. Great story, I look forward to reading more of your stories.